Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The HOM Gourmet Inexperience (HOMGI)

"That was Dali on a plate! All my senses were aroused by your imaginative take on the sauteed tiger penis with chilli padi complemented by the balls that were so succulent that my palate was cleansed."

"Excellent recommendation on the red from Burgundy or was it Bordeaux?" .."Errrrr, that's the award winning shiraz from Bangalore."

" Wahhhh so damn worth it. I insist on paying you double for the most orgasmic experience I've had since I did the double split."

What any decent award winning fine dinning restaurant would pay to get compliments such as these. That is where HOMGI differentiates itself. It will not pretend to serve the best food nor provide the best entertainment. In fact, it promises you NOTHING.

I cant cook. In fact, boiling an egg is a big ask. But what I've is great passion for food and the eye for the delectable. My heroes are Kylie Kwong because she overcomplicates her dishes so they must be good, Nigella because I love the way she tickles the red slab of beef with her greasy fingers, Jamie Oliver because he talks a good dish despite having a short tongue, Tony Bourdain because he eats and eats anything and everything and is still skinny and of course, Chef Wan because he's good at sucking up and apparently service is important in a business like this.

Since I'm not pretending to be good, the menu will be limited to 6 items (my lucky number, I think). The dishes will be all sourced from the best ...eg Champ's prawn noodles, Kanpei's chicken liver, Tanabe's unagi broth. Of course, I'll buy at cost from them, promise them free advertising and charge the unknowing public too much. The dishes would also have a ranking with the bottom 2 dropped and replaced by other 'world best' dishes monthly.

The haute and or nouvelle cuisine element would come from my own and my friends creations. It will be FREE to all customers with the only condition that they sign a no liability clause. It will be introduced on Wednesday to great aplomb where there's going to be live feed on the preparation right through to customers' reactions. On receving recommendations on improving the dish, a 2nd attempt will be made on Saturday. Every week, a new creation will be introduced.

The bar will have the the most comprehensive selection of single malts and vodka available. Hopefully, it will be on consignment because I cant bloody afford to buy everything. Of course, I'll give free promotions and the suppliers can get 2nd helping of my special dish.

Entertainment is by way of self inflicted ones. Chill loungetype music will be the backdrop and at 10 pm everyday for an hour, anyone can go on stage and perform, karaoke and whatnot. Before you get too excited, all tables will be equipped with a buzzer with 2 buttons. The green one means "carry on" and the red one means "get off the stage NOW". So anyone can buzz and have a say in the entertainment. It also stays true to the vision of HOM, that is Hit or Miss.

Any takers?

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